I miss myself.

My eyes hurt from being tired, but I feel like I accomplished a little something tonight. I finished a book for class, and printed out the notes for another class. I still can't push myself to study for my exams coming up for next week. Nor can I get myself into the mode of researching for the huge paper I have coming up.

I can't tell if this exhaustion is from actual tiredness, or from an incoming panic attack. I was thinking about doing a body scan, but right now I don't think it'll be very helpful. I'm not sure what would help me anymore. I've been having fleeting happy memories from when I was younger that makes me miss my family. I don't know how I feel about my past any more. It wasn't perfect, but the happier memories always stick out the most. Sometimes I wonder if I've blocked out much of the pain that I used to feel about my family. All the fights and arguments. The tears and long nights. Memories of me in the tub opening and closing the faucet because I thought I could hear my parents yelling. Always feeling like a fight was seconds away. The heavy feeling in my stomach and the tears burning in my eyes when I knew that one was just getting started.

Me hoping that it would pass over quickly, or that it wouldn't be a big one. I think I learned how to read people's energy from living under such a volatile roof. I think I was a lot quieter because of it. I think I knew the feeling of fear as it crept up my spine when I knew a new fight was on the menu for the night.

I still wonder who I'm turning into, especially this year. I don't feel as confident as I have in the past. I wonder if I'm beautiful. I look at my friends from childhood, and wonder if I can be considered one of the beautiful ones. Shallow I guess, but I think I've always wanted to be thought of as beautiful in my own unique way. Now I feel very small and lost, wondering how I'm going to make it on my own. Nothing seems to be going right. I wonder if I'm secretly slipping into a depression. I don't know if I've ever been seriously depressed before. But I guess I'll know for sure after my first counseling session, which I'm looking forward to. If anything, I'll find some peace somewhere.

Degradation of the female spirit

What is the role of women in this society?

When did our sexuality not become our own, but that of those who oppress us. When did I trade in my classy sensuality for slutiness? Why is it that young women of color today feel that they have to gyrate, hump the floor, thrust in each others faces, hump each other in order to be considered sexy? Does that make us in control of our sexuality? The fact that we can flaunt it as a joke? Is it really a joke? What are we telling young men who look at us? That's it's okay to call me a slut, a ho, or a bitch? That it's okay to tell me to shake for a dollar, or that you and your boys can get off on it, and laugh at me at the same time? If we feel that we can make another man ( or woman) want us for our bodies, does that make us feel desirable? Are we trading in our integrity in order to be considered part of the in crowd? And if we don't, we're to be considered prude and outdated?

It's okay for me to show off my thong. I'm in control of my sexuality. Right?
Why did thongs become so fashionable? Who said it would be cool to walk around with a piece of fabric in your ass? Is it really that comfortable? Does it allow your vagina to breathe any better? Is there any known benefit of thongs, except for the absence of panty lines? To look good to the outside world, to the men and women who are staring at your ass. Cuz their opinions matter the most. Panty lines are the worst thing in the entire world. Don't dare show your face if you have a panty line on your ass.

I was so mad tonight with Katia's dance. I thought to myself as I watched another girl hump another, and then thrust in the girls face, that this was a porno shoot. Why did we think at any point that this was cool? I don't believe that I'm ashamed of my sexual self. I'm happy with my sex life, and usually happy with my body, I'm not afraid of my body, but I do not think that I should have to sell that part of myself for entertainment. There's a classy way to be sexy and share that part with your peers, and then there's the over the top ridiculous way, that says:

" Treat me like the sex object you think me to be"

Why would any woman think that is cool? Are we so inundated with the media's idea of a sexy woman, that we can't tell where that image ends and where we begin? Let me shake my ass next to this new car, next to this guy who is calling me a ho who likes to suck his marvelous dick.

Yep. That is real sexy.

The problem is, that I don't think this would've bothered me too much last year. Maybe not at all. I would've laughed it off as being funny. Now I can't. I respect myself and my sex life too much. I respect my boyfriend too much. I respect the time and effort we make into having a beautiful sex life. What we share, while not pristine and angelic, is sacred in its own way. It belongs to us. That part of me doesn't need to be shared with an audience of strangers. I don't need anybody else to want me for my body.

Fuck.

What's to become of me?

Who am I becoming?

Do I love myself enough?

Do I believe in myself enough?

What do we need to succeed?

Will I be successful?

Will I find something that I love?

Will I be passionate?

Will I be strong?

Will I have a family?

Will I have a cause?

After some prompting from Daniel, I finally made it over to the counseling center here on campus, and I made an appointment for next week. I wish I had more say in who I'd be seeing, but hopefully after the first session I'll be able to make suggestions on who I'd like to see. I looked at the website and there's a staff therapist who I think would be perfect for me to see. She specializes in health psychology, resiliency, depression, anxiety, trauma, and multicultural issues. All if which I think fits in perfectly with my needs. I have yet to tell any of my family members except for my sister that I've been having anxiety attacks.. and I just can't bring myself to do it.

Thankfully today is a relatively short day, and I have a good portion of my work done. I still have some studying, and catching up to do. For once I actually feel confident in my ability to do so.

More later I guess.

Recap

I just realized how much I missed my camera even though it's right next to me. Like everything that I'm initially passionate about, I go crazy with it for a while when it's brand new, and then slowly but surely I lose my passion for it. Taking photos was like a release for me. To be able to capture moments in time and save them for the world to see. I recently lost a whole set of wonderful pictures I took over break, and I think it broke my faith. I was devastated that such a wonderful period of my life was lost, and couldn't be catalogued. I think I may try to take a photography class next semester, just for fun. Maybe it will recharge my passion once more. Hopefully I'll gain some skill and creativity once more. I just hope that I don't become resentful of a class if I take it. I don't even want to get into how many classes I should be taking this coming summer, just to avoid the stress of too many credits in my senior year.

Other than that, I currently battling a sore throat and general congestion.. and it looks like I'm actually winning. I spent a good portion of the day with Jackie watching The L Word all day, before I went out to Raices. I think I'm very satisfied with the fact that I'm only in one dance. I know I'm on my way out of the troupe, and I don't think I could be happier. Mahalia admitted to me that she was judging me when I said that I was not going to be a part of the troupe anymore. But now she understands, and after my explaining how unhappy I've been as president and how I never wanted to position to begin with, she apologized and said that she now felt the same. I no longer feel like I'm needed, nor do I feel like I need the troupe to keep me happy. I have had 2 full years with it, made a few good friends, learned to deal with others that I didn't get along with, got to be on stage and perform, as well as learned to appreciate my culture through others.

Daniel and I are good again. He came down to help find us through the mess that had been created the night before. At first sitting on the couch together looking at one another, trying to sort through our feelings and how to make it better, was pure agony. I didn't want him to touch me, and I was afraid that we were going to be ruined because of it. But we pushed through anyway... I can't really say that we really solved anything, but I think we made peace ultimately. He was put in his place by my anger over the phone. While I didn't have to yell and scream, my tone made it evident that I was upset and hurt over the situation. In the end we ended our silence by wrestling, which is something we tend to do. It was a good release to romp around and generally beat each other up a little bit. He stayed past his one day, all the way through Wednesday. It was mostly a good break from the distance, its always nice waking up next to him.

There was a double edged sword in the mix, my panic attacks hit me several times rather intensely. We began to realize that they usually occur when I'm trying to hide my usually hurt feelings or intense emotions. Whatever I try to suppress comes out in uncontrollably strong body spasms. It was intense, and Valentine's day night was particularly stressful when he said that he couldn't do this relationship if this couldn't be helped. Watching me spasm, and lose control of my body was agony for him. That alone made me cry, since I don't want to lose him, and I told him that through tears and spasms. I woke up alone to find that he had moved into the next bedroom, and had written in our journal. We achieved a lot that morning when I lied next to him and told him how I felt about many things, Including the fact that I was growing in love with him. There's nothing better than knowing that it's mutual.

I woke up missing him this morning.

Nothing worse than apathy

I've found myself in a state of pure apathy. And it concerns me. Like today at work. I was tired and beginning to feel the miserable effects of a panic attack take over. All I wanted to do was go home, especially with my throat swollen and uncomfortable. I slammed a sliding door and heard something jiggle dangerously from inside. I felt too tired and annoyed to care... and hoped that whatever it was would stay put.

As it turns out, that same jiggling was a heavy glass china bowl that fell on the arm of another co-worker and smashed into pieces. I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt or remorse. I know it was my fault. I know that bowl should have fell on me... but I still didn't care. The girl was pretty shaken up, her hand shaking for minutes afterward, and she's sure to have a terrible bruise tomorrow.

I kept asking myself why I didn't care, why I didn't feel guilty, asking myself why I didn't try to fix the bowl before someone got hurt? The truth is that I don't know. I don't feel any different from before, but it scares me that I'm so apathetic. I feel like I should feel like a terrible person.. but I don't. I kept waiting for an angelic message to come to me to say just how wrong how I was, and that God was angry. Nothing came, except a voice that sometimes good people do bad things, it makes them flawed and human, and that's enough to contend with without feeling guilt on top of it.

I'm not particularly proud of myself. And I don't want to walk around feeling like half a person, with half a soul, not caring about anything. So I hope this passes, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to take away from this will be learned.

Sinking into nothingness

What to say, what to say?

I think Daniel and I have come broken new ground in our relationship, but not without unnecessary pain and aggravation.

I hate reporting things in my journal like it's news. It doesn't seem to help me, or make me feel any better. I have no audience here, I'm not asking for anyone's opinion, or for anyone to side with me. I just know that my reaction to not hearing from him all day made me realize that I am not delusional about how I feel about him. I can no longer brush off my feelings and call them silly or ridiculous because I believe there's a set time line on how to love someone. I didn't and still don't want to admit to myself or him that I love him. It's a miracle that I can even type that out without wanting to delete it.

In loving someone else the vulnerability, that new whole in my armor is frightening. It may not be returned, it may fade, it may turn into hate or apathy. All things that I do not wish to experience. The emotional investment that will continue to grow... more than what it is right now is crazy. Based on passed experiences, my worst fear is being burned. That one day all of this will be over because it was never real to begin with. That it wasn't strong enough to maintain the current fantasy. I don't want to believe that I'm confusing love for something that it is not, that I'm currently experiencing nothing like love. I wish there was a checklist that I could go through to make sure that I was right and wasn't making things up.

But as I relive the experience of wondering if he was okay or not, the tears well up again. I don't know how long the time frame was, but I know how quickly the fear in my body started to consume me. I began to think about all the horrible scenarios that could have happened.

Maybe after he went out the night before something had happened. Maybe he was mugged or beaten, severely hurt.

Maybe someone had broken into his apartment and stole his stuff while he was there, and maybe they had hurt him. And knowing how seemingly invincible he thinks himself to be... he didn't back down and the violence escalated.

Maybe he was in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator or worse in a morgue.

And my tears are flowing the same if not heavier than they were last night. I called Monique, I was moments away from calling his parents. I was on-line thinking of ways to find him in Providence. Looking up his street, trying to find another phone number. Wishing I had his roommate's number, or Kat's number. Thinking of what I could possibly tell the police in Providence.

"Could you go to this house and check up on this person for me?"

Usually I hate calling more than twice within the hour in fear of looking desperate or crazed. But I didn't care, I rang his phone repeatedly, not caring what it looked like. All the while pleading

" Daniel, please just pick up your phone, let me know that you're okay. Please."

I knew what it must be like to be a mother who hasn't heard from their child and every evil in the world had made itself known.

And now as we speak, I don't know what has been broken between us, and neither does he. We don't know where to go from here to make things better. I don't know what the issue is anymore. What the real problem is. Neither of us know if it would help if he came out for a day to try to make things right... I don't know if a day would be enough.

Where do we go from here?

I'm starting to realize just how un-confident I have been in the past and in the present. I don't know if my confidence is improving at all, but I know that it's a sad and alerting feeling. I've been cowering in my own shadow and in the shadows of others. People see me as someone whose confident, yet my actions do not seem to match that notion.

I avoid so many things because I'm afraid I will fail. I'm so worried about my own future, because I just don't know what to do or where to go. I'm angry at the fact that my family seems so indifferent to what I do, and I never feel completely right in turning to them to help. I wish they would take my emotions seriously. It would make me feel better about coming to them. I feel isolated and alone sometimes, but I still enjoy the solitude. I want to get involved with a spiritual group so that maybe I could life my own spirits.

Why do not I not feel happy? Why am I so afraid of myself? Why don't I believe in my own capabilities? Why won't I try?

What am I going to do?

The Neverending Story

I wish I knew what I wanted to write, but I feel a huge need to do so.

In this moment I can feel nothing but some sort of faint sadness, also depressing. I feel not like myself, I feel unproductive and lazy. I don't have the motivation that I need to move around and get things done. I'm missing that passion that drove me to get things done last week... though I don't know if I accomplished that much. Writing in here has been a very good outlet.

I find myself scared for my future. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I find myself sitting on many opportunities, and I don't know why. I want to branch out and try new things, but I feel like I'm stuck in one place.. and it's all my fault. I don't even know if I want to go to grad school anymore nor what type of career I want. I'm worried about my studies this semester since I'm lacking my spring time push... and that worries me that I won't make dean's list for this semester.

Your personal aims, ambitions, and interests meet with unexpected obstacles at this time. Doors that you have been hoping would open are closing instead. The frustrations and obstacles can be deep enough to make you consider abandoning a pursuit, or at least make very critical changes in your approach. Finances are tight now, others express little interest and enthusiasm for your ideas, and you have to be very resourceful. You may reach a kind of identity crisis as you question the value of your deepest ambitions. You may decide that you cannot get what you want out of life, but you would be foolish to give up completely on the things that you love! There are lessons to be learned and changes that are needed, but abandoning what you love due to obstacles alone is not a good enough reason. You must find more effective ways to reach your goals, cut out waste and excess, and more sincerely express your interests. Success in things of importance requires dedication and belief in oneself even when the going gets rough

Maybe if given the chance and opportunity I should travel around the world for a while... I don't know how I would do that.. but it seems like something worth trying. It could actually be good for me. Daniel would make a great travel partner.
I find myself missing him a lot this morning... but I'm not sure how his presence would help me. I need to focus on what needs to be done, I need to find my drive and use it at full power.

I don't know... I think I need a prayer.

There are so many other things that I need to talk about and need to get out. This transformation is going to be endless.

The future beckons you on...

So today was a good day, though I was relatively tried due to lack of sleep. I walked into downtown with Jackie so that we could enjoy a nice lunch together, only to find that the restaurant we were looking forward to was closed down for good. Highly unfortunate considering that it's one of the few accessible ethnic eateries in the area. It's moments like those that make me long for home, where everything is a train, a bus or a walk away.

So we continued to walk around for a little while until we came upon a place that looked good. I'd say that today was amazing for the simple fact that Jackie and I found our idols in 5 beautiful black women who were also in the restaurant with us. We were completely awestruck by these women and their presence. They were all confident and mature looking, 4 out of the 5 wearing their hair naturally in locs or twists. They all talked amongst themselves with an air of success and assuredness. We were tempted to walk up to their table and ask them their secrets to their success. What schools did they go to?, did they continue onto grad school?, what were their majors?... Where did they work?, where did they live? What should we do to become the next generation of beautiful, secure, confident and successful women of color?

Unfortunately we didn't, but our conversations were filled with hopes for our own futures, and worries about what to do to get there. While I believed I was absolutely certain about my path, I'm now considering other options and wondering what would make me the happiest and most secure. I wonder if I could be a good professor, or a healer... or maybe both. I want to make an impact, make a difference, be apart of a beautiful struggle.

While speaking to Daniel today I realized how much I wanted to express and challenge myself. I want to surround myself with people who have the same rhythmic pulse of life that I do. And while I felt that I was doing a horrible job of doing that, I found that I wasn't doing as badly as I thought. It takes time to shed the skin you no longer deem necessary to your everyday life. I want to embrace my newfound joy for being a educated female of color. I want to embrace the people who think similarly to me. However not at the expense of those who I've come to care for deeply. More specifically, Daniel.

I don't ever want to believe that by exploring and embracing black culture, that the things I find whatever they may be, will some how alienate him or put pressure on our relationship. He is by far one of the most beautiful and meaningful people in my life and to disrespect or denigrate him or our connection because of color, class, race or politics would be unacceptable from me. I will not succumb to any pressure that says that I should date someone of my own color in order to be accepted. Though I doubt it would happen, I'm telling myself from now to keep in mind who and what is important in my life and to never lose sight of that regardless of how much growth comes to pass.

I'm afraid to formulate the word that would even start to express how I feel for him.

Personal Power

Reading about racism always leaves me feeling so heavy hearted, like a piece of lead is slowing dropping from my heart into my stomach. Its an ache, a depression. I don't think there's a person on this planet who is born prepared for racism. The amount of pain that comes with it is just inconceivable. I don't think I can go much deeper than that in this moment. I finally got into my cardio class and I think my body is begging for rest.

For now I feel some lingering pride in the fact that I accomplished some work. Also in the fact that someone saw my chart and saw some many positive things in it.

an activist..... empowered by passion
A teacher (or story-teller or facilitator) with a mercurial gift for continually re-inventing yourself.
You have a need to be seen so choose a career that lights your fire!

I'm encouraged by these words, and they bring up so many questions and possibilities for my future.. my path is now widening and stretching out before me... Its like being able to see more of the picture. I could teach. I could rally. I could be a fire starter. I could be a public figure. All when I'm no longer frightened of being invisible. Could my own personal power finally be breaking through?

I believe so.

I should really pick up my camera

In Theory...

In theory, exercise should help me feel more energized... even though I'd like nothing more than to take a nap.

I put to use my trying something different today. I took a 20 minute walk around campus because I felt like it.. even though the back of my mind was nagging at me to go a more direct route so I could get my food. I was going to avoid going through the quad so I wouldn't have to avoid any glances or pretend like I didn't know anyone. I told myself that that's stupid and a ridiculous way to act.. so I went through the quad only to find that it was empty. I barely walk through the quad now, so I feel like it's a treat I shouldn't pass up because I'm afraid of feeling invisible. If I want to be seen and acknowlegded I should acknowledge others and not assume that people should flock to me.

In theory my S.O. should scoff at my interest in astrology and metaphysics.. but instead he's been amazing enough to do his own research and inquire about it from someone who practices on my behalf. If that's not truly amazing I don't know what is.

Insecurities

Not sure why I'm up right now. I think I just went through another series of dreams that were probably of great meaning, but naturally I can't remember them. So now it's 5:12am on the first day of a brand new month. I should check my calendar to see what's coming up in my life. What papers are due and all that jazz.

So to kill time this morning, I started looking into astrology once more for some answers about these transit that are happening in my life. Nothing new seems to be popping up, so I may resort to buying a book that has greater detail.

One of my worries during this time is that I'll become a person that is unbearable to be around. That I'll be moody, possessive and jealous, traits that I've never thought myself to have. I feel it now when I speak to my S.O., pangs of worry and insecurity despite all his reassuring. Deep down I fear that something or someone will intervene that will destroy it. After experiencing something this nice, only to have it taken away would be unbearable and heartbreaking. I hope my behavior is not a contributing cause to it deteriorating. I don't want to be the possessive girlfriend who lets her fear of losing her S.O. push both him and the relationship away. I can only rely on our present honesty with each other, his current amazingness and understanding, as well my ability to be brave and divulge my fears. I don't want my constant fear to become a reality. He may feel that he's better off finding someone who isn't so broken up inside. More than anything I want to know that we'll make it through this and live to tell about it.

I wish he was here right now, just so I could feel his stable energy. Long distance communication makes me antsy, or not as comforted as holding him while he speaks

Don't leave without a fight.