The Process of Being Reborn...take two

So much has changed in the last year. Most recently I ended my relationship of 3 years...a grand way to start a new year I must say. Its a challenge, not having the person you confided so much in with you. At the same time I recognize our many issues and faults. There were moments of extreme joy coupled with extreme unhealthiness. Relationships are glorious in the honeymoon period, but soon reveal each person. Relationships only become work when love is conditional. I have learned about my clingy patterns, my issues with abandonment, enmeshing and detachment. I'm in the process of figuring out what I want and need from a relationship. Someone who is emotionally available, a dancer preferably, a little bit romantic, funny, grounding, charming... the list could go on forever, but it is essential to call this into being from the universe.

In other news, I'm in my second semester in my masters of acupuncture program. I'm having a good time, its still a challenge though. Bones, tendons, points, herbs, theory and history... all wonderful yet challenging in their own way. I'm hoping to focus more of my energy into it as I heal and gather myself. The planets are being quite demanding again.

Saturn Square Venus

A sobering experience in a love relationship occurs around this time. You may be rudely shown ways in which your attitude and behavior towards a loved one is based on misguided principles. You may discover that for a long time you have been expecting the other person to play a role that fits a concept of yours, but is stifling for the other person. Now you must learn to let the other person express his/her nature more fully, and you must adjust to it. The opposite situation may also occur: you realize that you have been playing a role to meet the expectations of others and you want to be more genuine, and have a more genuine relationship with others. You are also likely to discover that you have some 'fair weather friends' that let you down when you need them most. You also discover some 'real friends' who take an interest in your deeper concerns and interests.

This is also a time when parties and social festivities seem to disappear. You may have a good heart-to-heart talk with someone, but very few jovial, light, carefree and happy times. You need to think about your relationships and attitudes towards love and romance seriously, and decide how to handle your current relationship. If you are not involved in a relationship now, then you are thinking seriously about what you want in a relationship, or whether you want one at all; do your homework well because your ideas and intentions now will strongly affect your decisions later!

Your financial situation may be difficult now also. Some reorganizing is needed and you need to cut out extravagances and waste. This is relatively easy for you to do now because luxurious, expensive, beautiful things have less power over you now than usual. You are searching for something of deep and lasting satisfaction, rather than 'skin-deep' beauty. Your usual pleasures do not interest you now, and you can become emotionally depressed. Allow yourself time to get away from the usual demands of your life and engage in quiet, peaceful activities. You will find this refreshing and rejuvenating, and you will come away much clearer about what you really want in love relationships, in friendships, and what material possessions are most satisfying and important to you.

We shall see.

Crack and Hatch

I feel my heart opening up so much these days. Just cracking right open, but in a wonderful way. Its cracking... or hatching open and this flowing loving energy is rushing out and touching me in ways I didn't know I could feel. After speaking with Jackie this morning, we asked one another what we got from our friendship...and we both receive so much from one another, it really is beautiful. I'm happy for both of us, on our paths, for our growth. There were moments in my past in which I would've envied someone else' growth and success, now it brings me nothing but joy to see someone happy. I just say to myself that I have the ability to feel that joy as well... and I can take part in the joy of another because joy and love is something to be shared.

I think I am amazed with the person who is inside of me. She shocks me sometimes, with the things I say... I wonder where she gets her authority from. The universe I guess. This is my gift in this lifetime. To heal. Through medicine, words, love, laughter, whatever medium, it is my gift to heal. I embrace it and only look for ways to cultivate it and make it grow and shine into something powerful and astounding. Something I can feel from the depths of my being.

I must stop trying to cut myself back from from these things with excuses like: I'm too young to feel this way or I must look like a hippie or someone crazy. It really doesn't matter what others see right now, I have to be brave enough to do the growing.

Painting: Forsideny from http://www.rainbowheartstudio.com/

From Darkness Must Come Light

And then the unthinkable happened. My father had a stroke on November 30th. He's doing much better now, his left side is pretty weak but gaining strength rapidly. I guess my dream 2 weeks prior was a warning and heads up about what could've potentially happened. Thankfully he's pulling through slowly but nicely. The love and healing energy that is pulsating around him lately is amazing. All of his children rounded up, all of his brothers, some friends and co-workers... everyone just sending energy and praying for a speedy and healthy recovery. I think I've grasped just how deeply I love my father even if I'm not always conscious of it. The tears I've cried over these last few days and just asking Mother & Father God to use me to funnel their energy and love to him, to use me as their tool, to use my energy stores to aid him until he has enough of his own. I recognize that it's my family that is my God, through them I know love & sacrifice, through them I know the depths of my soul and what it means to love.

Its amazing to see how tight we have become. The thing that dad has been try to force out of us for years, snapped together when he was weakened. We've been listening throughout the years as we wandered, got lost, found our way back and grew into ourselves. We know that we love one another and would do anything within our power to heal and aid each other. Now it's blatant and clear. Dad never has to worry now about love, strength or closeness within this family. It's now quite evident that it's what holds us together through thick and thin.

Artwork - Ascension-Celebration from www.galacticdiplomacy.com

Family & Dreams

These days I'm really astounded and pleased with my level of patience and centeredness. I feel like there have been several things occurring lately that in the past would have thrown me into a tail spin of worry, anger or despair. But these days those reactions are not coming to me. In having yet another debate with my older brother about sexuality, and coming to the same conclusions: We just don't agree, I told him quite plainly that he was boring me. I didn't have to nor do I agree with him and his ideas and that's fine. Apparently I'm no fun for not getting more into it and really intellectualizing it.
I have too many good friends who are wonderful people who are gay to trivialize their live by intellectualizing it. I think it's a shame that this world has spent so much time dealing with intellect and not the emotional or spiritual. I don't believe everything in life should be run through intellect to be understood. Sexuality is deep in my eyes. It's a gift that should be used with care and cherished. It's up to the soul to share it with whom they wish, and hopefully they choose the right mate or mates to share with. Does it really matter what sex they are? Penis, Vagina?
Not to me.

In any event I still had a good time with him, my sister in law and my niece. I ended up crashing since my head cold mutated into a monster cold and knocked me out. When I got back home my Dad called, and I'm so happy that lately our interactions have been so peaceful. In the past he would incite the strongest feelings of distaste in me simply because he would try to guilt me into calling or make me feel bad for not staying in touch. It simply isn't in my nature to call people. I like to call people when it feels good, when they pop into my mind. Lately that hasn't been the case, and I'm proud because now I think our relationship can start to grow and evolve. We stand a chance at a healthy father-daughter relationship. Finally.

Maybe it was because I was watching John Edward Cross Country all night before falling asleep, but I felt hyper aware of spiritual energy when I fell asleep. I felt like I was giving readings in my sleep, like I was interpreting my own life through John Edward's voice. I had a dream that my father had died. I was surprised at how regretful I felt, how sad and lonely. We haven't had to the closest relationship emotionally, but it my dream I was so sad. I kept envisioning his hands and how much I wanted to hold them. I could see his hands with such detail, and longed for them. It gave me the resolve to become closer to him because you never know how much time you have with a loved one on this earthly plane. It's better to love them entirely than part way. If he or I was to pass I don't want either of us to live with regret because of the state of our relationship.

Painting : Dreamscape by Richard Luce

Recovery

It's been an exhausting few days. You would think that since death is a part of life that we humans would have it down to a science. But as we grow so attached to the physical realm and forget our true roots... spirit-energy... it becomes harder and harder to let go. My loved one has passed on. It was violent and sudden, way too soon, completely unexpected... but he has passed on. He is still alive. His energy is everywhere that love is. He can never be destroyed or forgotten. He is not mist, that will disperse with heat or wind, but true light, pure energy that is there all the time. Seeing his shell was hard, it was a hard reminder of what we truly love in this lifetime. Not the body but the divine spark that resides within it. That sharpness that is behind the eyes of each living being, that says, a soul resides behind this body.

I am emotionally exhausted, I crave sleep, I am encouraged knowing that from this spirit's life I have taken with me the lesson of self honesty. To be honestly myself, to live according to my rules, beliefs and passion. To be steady and solid within myself, to know that I am perfect and beautiful in just being who I am. I know that to live with such honesty is a privilege and a gift that many strive for. Now I will follow in the example of this loved one and do the same.

And now we begin the healing process as we start this next chapter in our lives.


Image : Mandala from globallighthealing.com

Death is not the end...

After a day of tremendous healing, how does one even begin to comprehend the horrendous and violent death of a loved one? The death of someone who you've just seen less than a month ago? Whose presence you've come to enjoy and admire for being distinct and genuine consistently without fail. Whose home will forever be shrouded in their ghost, as you expect to see them walk in every time you turn your head. I don't know how I'm dealing, I just am. I'm breathing, thinking, feeling and fearing sleep.
I demand that Mother Goddess, her archetypes and angels tend to this family now and be there to aid them in this shock, this ripping of their hearts and souls. That She aids them and applies the salve to these emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wounds. That somehow, while different, that things will be righted once more. To this loved one, I ask that you sends your energy and love to the ones you left behind. They will forever love and miss you, make sure they know that you're always around, that while you are no longer in physical body, that your spirit and energy is infinite and as distinct and genuine as it was on this earthly plane.

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn.

A Native American Prayer

Photo: "Color of my Dawn" - Christopher Wyatt







For Frank...

Dying to be Thin & Beautiful

I happened to turn on HBO and tune into a documentary called " Thin" it was following several white women in during their stay at a eating disoder clinic in Boca Raton, FL. It was very interesting, and at certain points very disturbing to see young women in the mid to late 20's weighing under 100 pounds. I know that right now in the west and potentially around the world, women are focusing on this ideal of being thin. I don't know where the source of this desire came from, if it was a male ideal being projected into all the media outlets available, or the fashion industry only using models that were supposed to embody the idea of "human clothes hanger". But this "ideal" spread like wildfire, to the point where it is everywhere. These women were beautiful, don't get me wrong, but washed out, lank haired, addicted to various drugs... just wasting away, dying to be thin. Whatever happened to wanting to be healthy, yet voluptous and womanly. To eat without fear, to eat the fruit of the earth, to enjoy the wonderful flavors that mother earth has bestowed upon this planet to be enjoyed by her children? The word voluptious according to google image search only returns images of "plus size" women... what about voluptious petite women... or women who fall healthly within their goal weight?

How can one change this collective thought that is tricking beautiful women of all shapes and sizes into believing that they are not whole and beautiful as is? How can we change the transmission that is infusing us with the belief that we most focus all our energies on outward appearence, who cares if you're suffering mentally, emotionally or spiritually, you better fit into a size 2 and wear designer clothes. I hope that as time progresses that we will being to see a shift toward beauty and balance on all levels of being and that undoubtedly will reflect into physical manifestation.


Painting: Mother Earth by Stephen Alcorn