Being Hopeful...

So many things have happened, so I decided to blog.
I´ve gotten into the bad habit of letting my littler corner of the internet collect dust. But there are times to just let loose and type away. Sometimes there´s nothing better to do... like now, as I await Daniel´s return home from work. It would be nice if was our home specifically and not the home of his parents(whom I do admire very much). I´d very much like it if we had our own apartment to call our own, in which we both paid rent and bills... and had our own set of keys to the same lock and door. So as I listen over Katie´s and Meryl´s talking for his voice and steps I find myself excited and expectant. If I was all alone in this house I would want to jump on him for a hug as he walked through the door. He´s probably just leaving the gym hopefully.

To recap

I am now 21 years old... thankfully. It´s a bit surreal at times.
I have just finished my final fall semester at school
I feel like I´m preparing to start my own life. Finally.

Things are constantly changing. Daniel and I are still happy... though we are not without our ups and downs, fights and makeups. Sometimes its very hard to keep it together, but I am always happy when we do because we prove to each other that what we have and share is powerful, strong and meaningful. And I think that can be scary from time subconsciouslyonciously.

And now he´s home.. and it´s anti clamatic... but still nice.

I think my current hurdle is having my actions tackle my expectations and dreams. I wish and hope for a lot of things, but in the past I had always wished and hoped they would just magically happen without much effort aside from wishing on my part. Now I feel able and willing to put things into motion that in the end lead up to some result similar to what my original wish was. I have to get used to the fact that sometimes what is envisioned isn´t always what is actual in reality. Not becoming disappointed from that fact is part of the process. I can plan things, and those plans do not have to fail because I am the planner. I have to be flexible as well as diligent and persistant.

I´m starting to envision my life in a more positive and beautiful way. I want to give myself and those I love the world, and I no longer have the desire to see my future as an impending doom. Maybe that´s what adulthood is all about. Being more practical and realistic.

a brief reflection... dated 10-8-2006

So I'm back.

It's senior year... and I can't say that I'm thrilled. I'm not really engaged in any of my classes to be honest. Even my Sociology of NYC class is proving to be a let down in some cases. I can't really say I'm happy to go to any of my classes save my yoga or TA class. I haven't been socializing much... I've missed many parties... even paid for one and then didn't go.

In the beginning it was a feeling of disbelief... how can I be a senior already? I just got here. Now it's a feeling of dread and frustration with being here. I just want to leave and be done with much of the people here. It's sad that I've felt like such an outcast during my time here. I know it's been a very important lesson for me in general. I know that its not part of my nature to be at the center of drama or large cirlces of people. I know that I only pick those who I know who are to be part of my life to be my close friends. But it didn;t make it easy for me here. I was always conflicted , wondering if there was something wrong with me for not being more social and more coheisive and blendable with the other people who I thought of as "cool"