Eh, the new blogger sounds nice and all... but they need to figure out a way to get old blogs transferred as the new one. I've but in too much heart and soul into this blog to simply leave it hanging.
Oh well.
I'm back in Syracuse... it's cold as hell, and it's my final semester. It's so surreal sometimes, to believe that after May I never have to come back here. Life really begins. It's kinda scary cuz I feel like there are so many options and so many ideas of things to do.. almost too many.. too many potential outcomes, and I just want the right one. I'm currently trying to get into a graduate level class so I can see if it's the right path for me. I have to write an email to the professor, who I already TA for to see if he'll let a lowly undergraduate senior into his class, lol. I hope he does, cuz I feel like it would benefit me so much to be in that class, just to get a feel for the major. To see if I really do have a passion for it and it's the right path for the future.
I think I'm ready to be social again. I feel a little bit stifled. I didn't dance at all last semester. There's a Latin party on Saturday, and I really want to go, because I think my body and soul has been screaming at me to be mobile and feel the beat again. I think, which is sad and terrible to admit, that I've stopped dancing because Daniel couldn't dance with me. I didn't want him to feel bad, which I know he does at some points... but I know that's the wrong thing to do for the both of us. He'll be dancing with me when he's ready, but I can't stifle my natural desire to dance... it's almost physically sickening, it hurts that much sometimes. And the sad part is I didn't even realize it. Oh well.. that will have to change. I hope there comes a day that we can both go out and dance together and dance with other people without there being any trouble.
I want to be able to go out with friends with or without him and not feel responsible for him having a good time and we can not torture each other with guilt and awkwardness, that we can smile at each other from across a crowded room, trusting that the other can hold their own and be social without the other's help.
I want to get into the Afro-House scene, because that's music I can really feel, and I would like to explore with by myself and with him as well... but I don't need guilt about wanting to do something by myself. I feel like post undergrad in NYC will be amazing, I'm of age and I'll be able to find a true niche that I was never able to really find here in Syracuse. Right now I'm browsing through Myspace listening to all the amazing music by amazing artist who are underground and making a movement. I love it, and I just want to be in the midst of that living and feeling music that moves my body in real ways.
Anyway, I forgot how tiring the first day of classes can truly be, and I did feel it intensely last night as I passed out on the couch once again. This final semester may be a little intense, but I think I can handle it. I can do it.
I need to re-center myself, and get in touch with the things that make me feel alive and happy.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Always True
 | J took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide..."
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Starting Fresh and Aiming High
A new year.
2007... What will you bring, and how much control and say do I have in what happens?
I know I have all the say in what happens to me this year. And I think this is the first time in my life that I've felt that way. Like I am the sole determinant in what happens to me. I know that in the past I've felt like I was constantly at the mercy of whatever outside forces. My parents, family, school, weather...there was something always more powerful, more important than me that decided what happened to me.
I know that that's not true. But there is some fear that comes along with that liberating truth. I am my own person, my own responsibility. I control what happens to me... so therefore I can blame no one but myself for my decisions and outcomes. The trick is learning how to view my decision making power and power to create positive and fruitful outcomes. Instead of this apprehension that somehow it will not work out. I can get a good paying job, I can create a new life and family with my significant other, I can pay bills on time and not be in debt for the rest of my life, I can go to grad school, further my education and my career as well. I can dabble in as many things as I want because they give me pleasure. I can give willingly and generously to the ones I love because I can and I want to. I don't have to lead a life of struggle, because I have people who care for me and will give guidance when I seek it, and I will make the best decisions in order to reap the best results.
There are things that make me happy. Daniel, and our relationship. It's many ups and profound yet inspiring downs has changed us both in so many crazy ways it's sometimes scary to think about it. It's scary to think that we're both so young, yet have our minds set on a future for us. Always wondering if that's normal... but maybe getting to the point where it's normal for us, and that's all that truly matters. And going to therapy... lol an odd but loving couple are we.
Finding internal peace... learning how to live and let live. Learning from the mistakes of others. Learning how to not be afraid of making my own mistakes. Knowing that I am powerful... powerful enough to create my own happy and amazing life. I can be whoever I want to be, and I have no reason to fear myself.
"Abundance has many occasions."
2007... What will you bring, and how much control and say do I have in what happens?
I know I have all the say in what happens to me this year. And I think this is the first time in my life that I've felt that way. Like I am the sole determinant in what happens to me. I know that in the past I've felt like I was constantly at the mercy of whatever outside forces. My parents, family, school, weather...there was something always more powerful, more important than me that decided what happened to me.
I know that that's not true. But there is some fear that comes along with that liberating truth. I am my own person, my own responsibility. I control what happens to me... so therefore I can blame no one but myself for my decisions and outcomes. The trick is learning how to view my decision making power and power to create positive and fruitful outcomes. Instead of this apprehension that somehow it will not work out. I can get a good paying job, I can create a new life and family with my significant other, I can pay bills on time and not be in debt for the rest of my life, I can go to grad school, further my education and my career as well. I can dabble in as many things as I want because they give me pleasure. I can give willingly and generously to the ones I love because I can and I want to. I don't have to lead a life of struggle, because I have people who care for me and will give guidance when I seek it, and I will make the best decisions in order to reap the best results.
There are things that make me happy. Daniel, and our relationship. It's many ups and profound yet inspiring downs has changed us both in so many crazy ways it's sometimes scary to think about it. It's scary to think that we're both so young, yet have our minds set on a future for us. Always wondering if that's normal... but maybe getting to the point where it's normal for us, and that's all that truly matters. And going to therapy... lol an odd but loving couple are we.
Finding internal peace... learning how to live and let live. Learning from the mistakes of others. Learning how to not be afraid of making my own mistakes. Knowing that I am powerful... powerful enough to create my own happy and amazing life. I can be whoever I want to be, and I have no reason to fear myself.
"Abundance has many occasions."
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