I'm actually too tired for words right now, but I feel satisfied that my studying last night definitely paid off in my exam this afternoon. I don't think I can say I aced it, but I know I did a lot better compared to the dismal first exam... luckily the lowest grade will be dropped. If I continue to study this way for the next exams in that class, I think I stand a chance. Now my main concern is preparing myself for my next 2 exams that are coming up in the same day. I wish one of my professors would just push it back until we got back from spring break.. but I doubt he would do that. Unfortunately for me, his tests are very comprehensive and detailed.
On a much happier note, come Friday I'll be off to Providence to spend a wonderful nine days with Daniel. This will actually be the longest time we've spent together alone. Ah, it'll be nice to wake up next to him every morning. I think we'll have a blast... it's the only thing keeping me somewhat motivated. Well that's sorta a lie... getting on the dean's list again is also a big motivator. I don't know if it'll happen, but I have hope. I need to work out my living situation, as well as summer classes, If I wanna make it out of here on time.
Tomorrow is another therapy session as well as work. Sometimes I wonder what there is to talk about. But based on last week's session, I'm sure something will come up. I need a high paying job... I hate being so broke.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Ms. Counterdependence
So counseling went really well for the first time, and now I'm a complete mess about it. I was hoping that it wouldn't be extremely emotional, and I was hoping that it wouldn't be introductory. Well, I was definitely emotional, I don't think I cried so much in a very long time. It all started with me just talking about when I first started having panic attacks before I entered Junior High, and then my tears flowed like river from that point on. I haven't thought about that period in a long time.
I was told that it was just anxiety and that it would go away. I never received any confirmation from a doctor. In fact it was my mother who told me, that that was what I had. I didn't really know anything about, other than it meant that I had to learn to calm down. I never received any advice about how to do so. So I learned how to do it by myself. It was scary at first when I would be caught off guard by my heart pounding out of my chest. I would do deep breathing, and sometimes it would work, and sometimes it wouldn't, and when it wouldn't I didn't know what to do. I felt that if I went to my mother, that she wouldn't know what to do either, and I would just worry her. If I continued to have these attacks I would eventually anger her, or so I believed.
Richard, my counselor mentioned something about me being counterdependent. He explained it as being afraid of relying on other people in fear that they'll leave me, or I would be seen as a burden. That's true. I think I was caught off guard by how quickly he was able to pinpoint all of this just by the little bit of information I've given him. He's only known me for a little less than an hour, and he was able to see so many things that I have repressed so far. He told me that I've been carrying a lot. I found myself not wanting to believe that. I wanted to believe that I've been strong all this time, and that I'm strong enough to carry whatever crap I may have. I don't know why, and I don't even think that makes sense. I feel like most people would think of that as gratifying, that they've been carrying this load unjustly so, and it's about time that they put it down.
Just now I realized, and it made me cry... that I didn't even want to see a burden to my own counselor. It's his job to find out these things and help me release them, but I wanted to appear that I could handle it, as if he would respect me more for being so strong and independent. I've always wanted to appear that way. I didn't want to rely on anybody else, because they could let me down, or betray me, or leave me. I guess it was the same when I spent a summer alone because one girl turned the entire neighborhood against me. I'd cry all the time, and my mother would offer to talk to the girl's mother, but always refused the offer. I guess any kid would, at least at that age. I remember thinking that one day I would show them all, and I'd be an amazing person one day, I didn't need them. If I need anyone, I feel weaker. More vulnerable.
I think I have to learn that it's okay to need other people in my life. It's okay needing someone to talk to and confide my worries in. I shouldn't feel ashamed. Its okay to want to talk to Daniel whenever I feel upset or unsure. I don't expect him to solve my problems for me, but just having him there willing to listen and offer any comfort he can is nice. I guess it makes sense that my attacks do happen around him. Right now he's a very big part of my life, and happily so, but I know I always fear that that will someday run out. That he'll grow tired of listening and being there, that I'll become a burden to him..eventually he'll stop caring, stop loving. And if he did, it would be over something I did, or over something that's about me. That essentially it would be my fault. I still feel like this is too much. Like this alone is too much to share with him. He would be happier with someone who didn't have so many issues, or didn't wonder about his intentions. I know that I'm wrong in questioning his sincerity and dedication to me and to us. All his actions are not of someone who will walk away when things aren't perfect. He could've done that many times before, but he's still here.. and I just have to believe that should either us want to leave, that it'll be amicable.
I think that's it for now. I'll leave off with a few definitions that I found on counterdependency.
The counterdependent is someone who is so convinced of their core unworthiness that their defense is to not open themselves up enough to admit they need another because they are sure they will be abandoned if anyone else sees who they really are (I used to feel if I ever truly opened up to someone, they would run away screaming in horror at my shameful being.) So, they abandon before they can be abandoned (this includes abandoning themselves by being attracted to people who are unavailable - saves them from taking the risk.)
Classic counterdependent behavior focuses completely on the self and builds huge walls to keep others out. It is hard for those of us who exhibit classically 'counterdependent' behavior patterns to even consider that we may be codependent. We have lived our lives trying to prove that we don't need others, that we are independent and strong. The counterdependent is the other extreme of the spectrum. If our behavior patterns have been primarily counterdependent it means that we were wounded so badly in childhood that in order to survive we had to convince ourselves that we don't need other people, that it is never safe to get close to other people.
I was told that it was just anxiety and that it would go away. I never received any confirmation from a doctor. In fact it was my mother who told me, that that was what I had. I didn't really know anything about, other than it meant that I had to learn to calm down. I never received any advice about how to do so. So I learned how to do it by myself. It was scary at first when I would be caught off guard by my heart pounding out of my chest. I would do deep breathing, and sometimes it would work, and sometimes it wouldn't, and when it wouldn't I didn't know what to do. I felt that if I went to my mother, that she wouldn't know what to do either, and I would just worry her. If I continued to have these attacks I would eventually anger her, or so I believed.
Richard, my counselor mentioned something about me being counterdependent. He explained it as being afraid of relying on other people in fear that they'll leave me, or I would be seen as a burden. That's true. I think I was caught off guard by how quickly he was able to pinpoint all of this just by the little bit of information I've given him. He's only known me for a little less than an hour, and he was able to see so many things that I have repressed so far. He told me that I've been carrying a lot. I found myself not wanting to believe that. I wanted to believe that I've been strong all this time, and that I'm strong enough to carry whatever crap I may have. I don't know why, and I don't even think that makes sense. I feel like most people would think of that as gratifying, that they've been carrying this load unjustly so, and it's about time that they put it down.
Just now I realized, and it made me cry... that I didn't even want to see a burden to my own counselor. It's his job to find out these things and help me release them, but I wanted to appear that I could handle it, as if he would respect me more for being so strong and independent. I've always wanted to appear that way. I didn't want to rely on anybody else, because they could let me down, or betray me, or leave me. I guess it was the same when I spent a summer alone because one girl turned the entire neighborhood against me. I'd cry all the time, and my mother would offer to talk to the girl's mother, but always refused the offer. I guess any kid would, at least at that age. I remember thinking that one day I would show them all, and I'd be an amazing person one day, I didn't need them. If I need anyone, I feel weaker. More vulnerable.
I think I have to learn that it's okay to need other people in my life. It's okay needing someone to talk to and confide my worries in. I shouldn't feel ashamed. Its okay to want to talk to Daniel whenever I feel upset or unsure. I don't expect him to solve my problems for me, but just having him there willing to listen and offer any comfort he can is nice. I guess it makes sense that my attacks do happen around him. Right now he's a very big part of my life, and happily so, but I know I always fear that that will someday run out. That he'll grow tired of listening and being there, that I'll become a burden to him..eventually he'll stop caring, stop loving. And if he did, it would be over something I did, or over something that's about me. That essentially it would be my fault. I still feel like this is too much. Like this alone is too much to share with him. He would be happier with someone who didn't have so many issues, or didn't wonder about his intentions. I know that I'm wrong in questioning his sincerity and dedication to me and to us. All his actions are not of someone who will walk away when things aren't perfect. He could've done that many times before, but he's still here.. and I just have to believe that should either us want to leave, that it'll be amicable.
I think that's it for now. I'll leave off with a few definitions that I found on counterdependency.
The counterdependent is someone who is so convinced of their core unworthiness that their defense is to not open themselves up enough to admit they need another because they are sure they will be abandoned if anyone else sees who they really are (I used to feel if I ever truly opened up to someone, they would run away screaming in horror at my shameful being.) So, they abandon before they can be abandoned (this includes abandoning themselves by being attracted to people who are unavailable - saves them from taking the risk.)
Classic counterdependent behavior focuses completely on the self and builds huge walls to keep others out. It is hard for those of us who exhibit classically 'counterdependent' behavior patterns to even consider that we may be codependent. We have lived our lives trying to prove that we don't need others, that we are independent and strong. The counterdependent is the other extreme of the spectrum. If our behavior patterns have been primarily counterdependent it means that we were wounded so badly in childhood that in order to survive we had to convince ourselves that we don't need other people, that it is never safe to get close to other people.
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