Family & Dreams

These days I'm really astounded and pleased with my level of patience and centeredness. I feel like there have been several things occurring lately that in the past would have thrown me into a tail spin of worry, anger or despair. But these days those reactions are not coming to me. In having yet another debate with my older brother about sexuality, and coming to the same conclusions: We just don't agree, I told him quite plainly that he was boring me. I didn't have to nor do I agree with him and his ideas and that's fine. Apparently I'm no fun for not getting more into it and really intellectualizing it.
I have too many good friends who are wonderful people who are gay to trivialize their live by intellectualizing it. I think it's a shame that this world has spent so much time dealing with intellect and not the emotional or spiritual. I don't believe everything in life should be run through intellect to be understood. Sexuality is deep in my eyes. It's a gift that should be used with care and cherished. It's up to the soul to share it with whom they wish, and hopefully they choose the right mate or mates to share with. Does it really matter what sex they are? Penis, Vagina?
Not to me.

In any event I still had a good time with him, my sister in law and my niece. I ended up crashing since my head cold mutated into a monster cold and knocked me out. When I got back home my Dad called, and I'm so happy that lately our interactions have been so peaceful. In the past he would incite the strongest feelings of distaste in me simply because he would try to guilt me into calling or make me feel bad for not staying in touch. It simply isn't in my nature to call people. I like to call people when it feels good, when they pop into my mind. Lately that hasn't been the case, and I'm proud because now I think our relationship can start to grow and evolve. We stand a chance at a healthy father-daughter relationship. Finally.

Maybe it was because I was watching John Edward Cross Country all night before falling asleep, but I felt hyper aware of spiritual energy when I fell asleep. I felt like I was giving readings in my sleep, like I was interpreting my own life through John Edward's voice. I had a dream that my father had died. I was surprised at how regretful I felt, how sad and lonely. We haven't had to the closest relationship emotionally, but it my dream I was so sad. I kept envisioning his hands and how much I wanted to hold them. I could see his hands with such detail, and longed for them. It gave me the resolve to become closer to him because you never know how much time you have with a loved one on this earthly plane. It's better to love them entirely than part way. If he or I was to pass I don't want either of us to live with regret because of the state of our relationship.

Painting : Dreamscape by Richard Luce

Recovery

It's been an exhausting few days. You would think that since death is a part of life that we humans would have it down to a science. But as we grow so attached to the physical realm and forget our true roots... spirit-energy... it becomes harder and harder to let go. My loved one has passed on. It was violent and sudden, way too soon, completely unexpected... but he has passed on. He is still alive. His energy is everywhere that love is. He can never be destroyed or forgotten. He is not mist, that will disperse with heat or wind, but true light, pure energy that is there all the time. Seeing his shell was hard, it was a hard reminder of what we truly love in this lifetime. Not the body but the divine spark that resides within it. That sharpness that is behind the eyes of each living being, that says, a soul resides behind this body.

I am emotionally exhausted, I crave sleep, I am encouraged knowing that from this spirit's life I have taken with me the lesson of self honesty. To be honestly myself, to live according to my rules, beliefs and passion. To be steady and solid within myself, to know that I am perfect and beautiful in just being who I am. I know that to live with such honesty is a privilege and a gift that many strive for. Now I will follow in the example of this loved one and do the same.

And now we begin the healing process as we start this next chapter in our lives.


Image : Mandala from globallighthealing.com

Death is not the end...

After a day of tremendous healing, how does one even begin to comprehend the horrendous and violent death of a loved one? The death of someone who you've just seen less than a month ago? Whose presence you've come to enjoy and admire for being distinct and genuine consistently without fail. Whose home will forever be shrouded in their ghost, as you expect to see them walk in every time you turn your head. I don't know how I'm dealing, I just am. I'm breathing, thinking, feeling and fearing sleep.
I demand that Mother Goddess, her archetypes and angels tend to this family now and be there to aid them in this shock, this ripping of their hearts and souls. That She aids them and applies the salve to these emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wounds. That somehow, while different, that things will be righted once more. To this loved one, I ask that you sends your energy and love to the ones you left behind. They will forever love and miss you, make sure they know that you're always around, that while you are no longer in physical body, that your spirit and energy is infinite and as distinct and genuine as it was on this earthly plane.

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn.

A Native American Prayer

Photo: "Color of my Dawn" - Christopher Wyatt







For Frank...

Dying to be Thin & Beautiful

I happened to turn on HBO and tune into a documentary called " Thin" it was following several white women in during their stay at a eating disoder clinic in Boca Raton, FL. It was very interesting, and at certain points very disturbing to see young women in the mid to late 20's weighing under 100 pounds. I know that right now in the west and potentially around the world, women are focusing on this ideal of being thin. I don't know where the source of this desire came from, if it was a male ideal being projected into all the media outlets available, or the fashion industry only using models that were supposed to embody the idea of "human clothes hanger". But this "ideal" spread like wildfire, to the point where it is everywhere. These women were beautiful, don't get me wrong, but washed out, lank haired, addicted to various drugs... just wasting away, dying to be thin. Whatever happened to wanting to be healthy, yet voluptous and womanly. To eat without fear, to eat the fruit of the earth, to enjoy the wonderful flavors that mother earth has bestowed upon this planet to be enjoyed by her children? The word voluptious according to google image search only returns images of "plus size" women... what about voluptious petite women... or women who fall healthly within their goal weight?

How can one change this collective thought that is tricking beautiful women of all shapes and sizes into believing that they are not whole and beautiful as is? How can we change the transmission that is infusing us with the belief that we most focus all our energies on outward appearence, who cares if you're suffering mentally, emotionally or spiritually, you better fit into a size 2 and wear designer clothes. I hope that as time progresses that we will being to see a shift toward beauty and balance on all levels of being and that undoubtedly will reflect into physical manifestation.


Painting: Mother Earth by Stephen Alcorn