In an effort to see what fits, I think I may do things in the complete opposite.
If I feel like it, I'll be messy and unhinged for a while.
If I feel like it, I'll be extremely productive and active.
If I feel like it, I'll be unsocial and introverted.
If I feel like it, I'll be demanding and (dare I say) selfish.
In denying myself certain pleasures in life, I may be cutting myself off from learning and growing. If I'm going to go mildly crazy I might as well make the best of it.
Daniel, honey. I don't doubt that some day, probably soon, you'll be privy to all this random madness. But at least for a little while I'd like to explore some of it myself. I know that if you were right next to me, there wouldn't be anything for me to feel shy about. But in our distance I lose my sense of you, and of us. Emails, phone calls and IMs just aren't the same after having spent all that time with you in person. They just can't compare. Don't feel that I'm shutting you out... all in due time. I hope you won't be completely thrown off by everything that's written down here.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Who I am.
In the steps it takes to transform myself into whoever I'm supposed to be, I must first find out who the hell I've been. I remember playing in the bathroom of my apartment, filling the sink up with water and playing with my barbie dolls. I remember climbing up on the side of the tub so I could actually see my face in the mirror. I'd see my face and not know what to make of it. It's strange being 20 years old now, trying to remember what I was like at the age of 5 or 6 or even 15 and 16. I can't recall that curiosity or innocence, but I can feel some lingering of it deep inside my chest. I can feel that faint touch of wide eyed wonder, getting into mischief and having a good time with it. I remember pulling up the corners of my eyes to make myself seem more exotic, even at the age of 5, thinking that it would make me prettier and more appealing to the little boys in pre-school.
I look into the mirror now, 15 years later and sometimes I don't know who I'm looking at. I could've been born yesterday without a day of life behind me. It's as if my experiences have been erased from my head and I can't remember how I got here. I don't know if I'm a healthy 20 year woman... I don't remember what it was like to just be a little girl half the time. I look at the girls around me now, who seem to be so confident and happy with their lives, and I wonder if their pasts were nicer than mine. So nice that they always have it in the back of their minds and it makes them smile and glow with it. I wonder about the girls who are always surrounded by admiring peers and wonder what is it about them that makes them so special and so wanted.
More than anything I want to break free from this cocoon I've been in and just break free and be whoever I'm waiting to be. And that person whoever she is, is pounding at me from the inside for me to take notice of all the things that make flawed.
She wants me to see those things and learn from them.
She wants me to see those things and toss out the things that are no longer necessary.
She wants me to walk around with my head higher than before.
She wants me to walk past people and not feel isolated and different.
She wants me to smile at people confidently not shyly.
She wants me to dress however I feel like, not like what others think is fashionable.
She wants me to cry whenever I feel like.
She wants me to mouth off to those who deserve it.
She wants me to love passionately without someone else's permission to do so.
She wants me to try new things and not be afraid to leave some things behind.
She wants me to be a revolutionary thinker for myself.
She wants me to be content with my life.
And as she's pounding away from the inside, she's shaking me up all over. Forcing me to look at those miseries that I've pushed down deep inside.. so deep that I thought that I'd threw them out years ago. Now I realize that I have to go through all of them the old fashion way, one by one, reliving all the hurts and miseries and making peace with them. Cleaning out my soul so that she can make her grand appearance.
It's going to be an interesting 2 years.
I look into the mirror now, 15 years later and sometimes I don't know who I'm looking at. I could've been born yesterday without a day of life behind me. It's as if my experiences have been erased from my head and I can't remember how I got here. I don't know if I'm a healthy 20 year woman... I don't remember what it was like to just be a little girl half the time. I look at the girls around me now, who seem to be so confident and happy with their lives, and I wonder if their pasts were nicer than mine. So nice that they always have it in the back of their minds and it makes them smile and glow with it. I wonder about the girls who are always surrounded by admiring peers and wonder what is it about them that makes them so special and so wanted.
More than anything I want to break free from this cocoon I've been in and just break free and be whoever I'm waiting to be. And that person whoever she is, is pounding at me from the inside for me to take notice of all the things that make flawed.
She wants me to see those things and learn from them.
She wants me to see those things and toss out the things that are no longer necessary.
She wants me to walk around with my head higher than before.
She wants me to walk past people and not feel isolated and different.
She wants me to smile at people confidently not shyly.
She wants me to dress however I feel like, not like what others think is fashionable.
She wants me to cry whenever I feel like.
She wants me to mouth off to those who deserve it.
She wants me to love passionately without someone else's permission to do so.
She wants me to try new things and not be afraid to leave some things behind.
She wants me to be a revolutionary thinker for myself.
She wants me to be content with my life.
And as she's pounding away from the inside, she's shaking me up all over. Forcing me to look at those miseries that I've pushed down deep inside.. so deep that I thought that I'd threw them out years ago. Now I realize that I have to go through all of them the old fashion way, one by one, reliving all the hurts and miseries and making peace with them. Cleaning out my soul so that she can make her grand appearance.
It's going to be an interesting 2 years.
New beginnings
So I decided to start fresh and create a new blog for myself. My old one, which I will still check up on for the communities and general entertainment.. left me uninspired to write. I used to love that journal, but it was locked up tight.. and even with such tight security I don't think I wrote down everything I felt. I had a small audience, and I expected their opinions... opinions that usually never came.
Or maybe I left because I can't relate to who I used to be when I wrote in that journal. I was, and maybe still am a person looking for acceptance and approval. I yearn to be loved and wanted by those around me. But I think the fear of that not being a reality has turned me into someone who would rather not look at an acquaintance on the street in fear that they wouldn't remember or acknowledge me.
I don't expect to write anything profound in this journal.. at least not profound to the general public. I'm not much of a poet, or activist. I'm only mildly passionate about external affairs. I can't rouse a crowd into action like a few of my friends. However I think that's something I should learn to accept. Not everyone is meant to be a great public figure in their lives... but that doesn't make them any less valuable than their spotlight brothers and sisters. If anything, I hope to use this journal as a way to face my insecurities and fears with complete honesty. I'm going through a period in my life where things may be extremely difficult to swallow... I hope this new blog will serve as a mirror that I can look into and not be afraid of.. even if I say and think disturbing things.
I can't promise excellent writing, but I promise honesty and reflection. Hopefully I'll tranform into the person who has been waiting to be seen and heard for 20 years.
Or maybe I left because I can't relate to who I used to be when I wrote in that journal. I was, and maybe still am a person looking for acceptance and approval. I yearn to be loved and wanted by those around me. But I think the fear of that not being a reality has turned me into someone who would rather not look at an acquaintance on the street in fear that they wouldn't remember or acknowledge me.
I don't expect to write anything profound in this journal.. at least not profound to the general public. I'm not much of a poet, or activist. I'm only mildly passionate about external affairs. I can't rouse a crowd into action like a few of my friends. However I think that's something I should learn to accept. Not everyone is meant to be a great public figure in their lives... but that doesn't make them any less valuable than their spotlight brothers and sisters. If anything, I hope to use this journal as a way to face my insecurities and fears with complete honesty. I'm going through a period in my life where things may be extremely difficult to swallow... I hope this new blog will serve as a mirror that I can look into and not be afraid of.. even if I say and think disturbing things.
I can't promise excellent writing, but I promise honesty and reflection. Hopefully I'll tranform into the person who has been waiting to be seen and heard for 20 years.
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