Who I am.

In the steps it takes to transform myself into whoever I'm supposed to be, I must first find out who the hell I've been. I remember playing in the bathroom of my apartment, filling the sink up with water and playing with my barbie dolls. I remember climbing up on the side of the tub so I could actually see my face in the mirror. I'd see my face and not know what to make of it. It's strange being 20 years old now, trying to remember what I was like at the age of 5 or 6 or even 15 and 16. I can't recall that curiosity or innocence, but I can feel some lingering of it deep inside my chest. I can feel that faint touch of wide eyed wonder, getting into mischief and having a good time with it. I remember pulling up the corners of my eyes to make myself seem more exotic, even at the age of 5, thinking that it would make me prettier and more appealing to the little boys in pre-school.

I look into the mirror now, 15 years later and sometimes I don't know who I'm looking at. I could've been born yesterday without a day of life behind me. It's as if my experiences have been erased from my head and I can't remember how I got here. I don't know if I'm a healthy 20 year woman... I don't remember what it was like to just be a little girl half the time. I look at the girls around me now, who seem to be so confident and happy with their lives, and I wonder if their pasts were nicer than mine. So nice that they always have it in the back of their minds and it makes them smile and glow with it. I wonder about the girls who are always surrounded by admiring peers and wonder what is it about them that makes them so special and so wanted.

More than anything I want to break free from this cocoon I've been in and just break free and be whoever I'm waiting to be. And that person whoever she is, is pounding at me from the inside for me to take notice of all the things that make flawed.

She wants me to see those things and learn from them.
She wants me to see those things and toss out the things that are no longer necessary.
She wants me to walk around with my head higher than before.
She wants me to walk past people and not feel isolated and different.
She wants me to smile at people confidently not shyly.
She wants me to dress however I feel like, not like what others think is fashionable.
She wants me to cry whenever I feel like.
She wants me to mouth off to those who deserve it.
She wants me to love passionately without someone else's permission to do so.
She wants me to try new things and not be afraid to leave some things behind.
She wants me to be a revolutionary thinker for myself.
She wants me to be content with my life.

And as she's pounding away from the inside, she's shaking me up all over. Forcing me to look at those miseries that I've pushed down deep inside.. so deep that I thought that I'd threw them out years ago. Now I realize that I have to go through all of them the old fashion way, one by one, reliving all the hurts and miseries and making peace with them. Cleaning out my soul so that she can make her grand appearance.

It's going to be an interesting 2 years.