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Thursday, April 20, 2006
Couldn't agree more
Something has to give.
As of late I feel like I'm under siege by human cruelty. Cruelty and thoughtlessness from the people I know are supposed to be there for me. And it hurts, it hurts enough for me to erupt into tears after another cold emotionless conversation with my father, who probably feels like he's the family ATM, and gets nothing back in return. However it's hard to give him emotional contact, when he often times demands it, or other times seems completely unreceptive to it. I tell him about my apartment and the payment that needs to be made on it, and then about summer classes, and I get a snappy
" Well I need to talk to your mother, cuz she needs to make some payments too"
He knows well that she can't make payments for my education. Even with the generous financial aid package I get, she still can't pay anything. I feel like I don't need to hear these things. I don't want to be in the center of the drama that the two of them pretend doesn't exist. I feel like I've been a part of it for too long, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for needing help from the people who are supposed to be able to give it to me. I don't care who does it, or how they do it. I will forever be grateful for it, but it's not fair to me. I'm just trying to get through school, why should I feel bad because my parents don't know how to communicate in a healthy manner?
If I could, I'd put myself through college, and never ask either of them for a dime, and live completely independent from both of them, since they manage to make everyone around them feel like shit, and guilty for things they have no control over. I don't want to be seen as the inconsiderate daughter, I feel like there have plenty of things that I just never bother asked about because I didn't want to hear the inevitable negative responses. I feel like every thing I attempt to do, which I feel should bring some pride and praise from my family always gets a negative response, or a suggestion. I just wish they would be enthusiastic about the decisions I make, and not always undercut it with what they think would be better for me.
And then there's Daniel. I'm sad that I can't run to him for comfort like I usually would because even he has been somewhat thoughtless. After taking a night away from talking to each other, I call him late last night to say hello and to tell him that I missed him.. especially after not talking to him in the last 24 hours. It's become a pleasant and comfortable routine to talk to each other every night. And he tells me that it was a little unpleasant not to talk to me as usual, which was nice to hear. But then he went and ruined everything by saying that it made him realize that I'm his social life, and that he feels like that's a bad thing, and that he should have other people that he can talk to as much as me.
I was hurt, because it's like, why find an issue with such a nice thing. I don't even have friends that I talk to for 2-3 hours at a time anymore. I'm not sure if many people at our age do anymore. The focus has shifted from those types of bonds, to more intimate bonds with significant others. I don't know if in doing that, in trying to become more independent from me, and our communication style, if that will somehow ruin what we have. I don't want to feel like I'm so how emasculating him by being his confidant. Or make him feel awkward for not being a social butterfly with tons of friends. I don't have tons of friends either, and the people I talk to on regular basis are within a small handful. He's the one who feels like people will think of him negatively if he calls out of the blue. How else can one sustain a relationship, if they don't take chances and believe in the goodness of other human beings, and in their own value as a friend.
It's times like these that I often wonder if we can last long, or if it would be better if we just separated. I wonder how much my life would change for the better or for the worst. Cuz sometimes the amount of pain doesn't quite cut it when weighed against the happiness. And maybe this is just the distance and need to be close to him talking... cuz I was missing him so much before that phone call, and I still miss him today... but something has to give.
" Well I need to talk to your mother, cuz she needs to make some payments too"
He knows well that she can't make payments for my education. Even with the generous financial aid package I get, she still can't pay anything. I feel like I don't need to hear these things. I don't want to be in the center of the drama that the two of them pretend doesn't exist. I feel like I've been a part of it for too long, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for needing help from the people who are supposed to be able to give it to me. I don't care who does it, or how they do it. I will forever be grateful for it, but it's not fair to me. I'm just trying to get through school, why should I feel bad because my parents don't know how to communicate in a healthy manner?
If I could, I'd put myself through college, and never ask either of them for a dime, and live completely independent from both of them, since they manage to make everyone around them feel like shit, and guilty for things they have no control over. I don't want to be seen as the inconsiderate daughter, I feel like there have plenty of things that I just never bother asked about because I didn't want to hear the inevitable negative responses. I feel like every thing I attempt to do, which I feel should bring some pride and praise from my family always gets a negative response, or a suggestion. I just wish they would be enthusiastic about the decisions I make, and not always undercut it with what they think would be better for me.
And then there's Daniel. I'm sad that I can't run to him for comfort like I usually would because even he has been somewhat thoughtless. After taking a night away from talking to each other, I call him late last night to say hello and to tell him that I missed him.. especially after not talking to him in the last 24 hours. It's become a pleasant and comfortable routine to talk to each other every night. And he tells me that it was a little unpleasant not to talk to me as usual, which was nice to hear. But then he went and ruined everything by saying that it made him realize that I'm his social life, and that he feels like that's a bad thing, and that he should have other people that he can talk to as much as me.
I was hurt, because it's like, why find an issue with such a nice thing. I don't even have friends that I talk to for 2-3 hours at a time anymore. I'm not sure if many people at our age do anymore. The focus has shifted from those types of bonds, to more intimate bonds with significant others. I don't know if in doing that, in trying to become more independent from me, and our communication style, if that will somehow ruin what we have. I don't want to feel like I'm so how emasculating him by being his confidant. Or make him feel awkward for not being a social butterfly with tons of friends. I don't have tons of friends either, and the people I talk to on regular basis are within a small handful. He's the one who feels like people will think of him negatively if he calls out of the blue. How else can one sustain a relationship, if they don't take chances and believe in the goodness of other human beings, and in their own value as a friend.
It's times like these that I often wonder if we can last long, or if it would be better if we just separated. I wonder how much my life would change for the better or for the worst. Cuz sometimes the amount of pain doesn't quite cut it when weighed against the happiness. And maybe this is just the distance and need to be close to him talking... cuz I was missing him so much before that phone call, and I still miss him today... but something has to give.
Friday, April 07, 2006
ColorQuiz Says!
| I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs recognition. Ambitious, wants to impress and..."
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Risk Taker
You know,
I can feel the layers of my old self sorta peeling off of me as times goes by. I worked a really amazing shift tonight where I bartended all night. It was great... the atmosphere was amazing, the students were cool.. the music was great. I dunno... I just felt more alive than I have in a long time. I felt confident and beautiful as I spoke to the people I served. It took some time at first, but I did warm up, and then it came naturally. I loved the music so much that I went up to the DJ and asked if he had a card.. he didn't, but he gave his promotional CD. Very happy about that.
All of this is giving me hope for my future. Tonight was the first night that I wished I had my camera on me! I haven't had that feeling in months! Good things seem to be coming my way. There's still much to be done, but I think things will fall into place. My apartment situation is looking like it will pan out better than I had hoped. It's still rather expensive but, I think I'll be happy there. I had my doubts, but we shall see. I was upset with the cost of cable and internet... but I guess I can do without cable... but I definitely need the internet.
I'm excited to be independent... at least a little. I want to make the effort to work hard enough to at least pay a bill or two... like cable & internet, which is damn near $100 a month, and groceries. Laundry is free, and that's something to be happy about. I hope this summer pans out well... I really want to get started on applying to part-time gigs so I can juggle classes so that I'll graduate on time.
And hopefully once I had in the Human Sex TA application, that too will work out and I'll get some practice working with people. There are so many things that I want to work out. Getting the Peer Advising gig is one of them. My only fear is that I'll get so caught up in all my changes that I fall really hard should some of them not work out as planned.
But that's a risk I want to take. I've realized that I have to take those chances, and start living life to the absolute fullest. I need to break away from my family and start taking steps to becoming more independent. I need to believe in myself, and know that I am 'responsible, cable and competent' just like Daniel says. I'm enjoying the process of learning all my strengths as well as weaknesses, I know what needs improvement, and what needs to be enhanced and cherished. Next year I hope I start to really blossom and make it my best.
I can feel the layers of my old self sorta peeling off of me as times goes by. I worked a really amazing shift tonight where I bartended all night. It was great... the atmosphere was amazing, the students were cool.. the music was great. I dunno... I just felt more alive than I have in a long time. I felt confident and beautiful as I spoke to the people I served. It took some time at first, but I did warm up, and then it came naturally. I loved the music so much that I went up to the DJ and asked if he had a card.. he didn't, but he gave his promotional CD. Very happy about that.
All of this is giving me hope for my future. Tonight was the first night that I wished I had my camera on me! I haven't had that feeling in months! Good things seem to be coming my way. There's still much to be done, but I think things will fall into place. My apartment situation is looking like it will pan out better than I had hoped. It's still rather expensive but, I think I'll be happy there. I had my doubts, but we shall see. I was upset with the cost of cable and internet... but I guess I can do without cable... but I definitely need the internet.
I'm excited to be independent... at least a little. I want to make the effort to work hard enough to at least pay a bill or two... like cable & internet, which is damn near $100 a month, and groceries. Laundry is free, and that's something to be happy about. I hope this summer pans out well... I really want to get started on applying to part-time gigs so I can juggle classes so that I'll graduate on time.
And hopefully once I had in the Human Sex TA application, that too will work out and I'll get some practice working with people. There are so many things that I want to work out. Getting the Peer Advising gig is one of them. My only fear is that I'll get so caught up in all my changes that I fall really hard should some of them not work out as planned.
But that's a risk I want to take. I've realized that I have to take those chances, and start living life to the absolute fullest. I need to break away from my family and start taking steps to becoming more independent. I need to believe in myself, and know that I am 'responsible, cable and competent' just like Daniel says. I'm enjoying the process of learning all my strengths as well as weaknesses, I know what needs improvement, and what needs to be enhanced and cherished. Next year I hope I start to really blossom and make it my best.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Oh Pluto, your wrath is beyond compare
I don't want to live my life with regrets. I don't want to pass up my opportunities because I'm afraid of what people will think. Why didn't I just say no when I had the chance, and do only the things that I wanted to. Why did I feel so obligated, and stayed with something even if it made me completely miserable?
Now the resentment and jealousy and anger that plagues me when I see others turn down their responsibilities, and say no to obligations and do what they wanted to do. What their heart told them to do. Now they receive all the attention, praise and glory that I always wanted. They have the sense of sisterhood and family that I always longed for. I don't know how to reconcile with these feelings. Should I just say " fuck it" and go through with it... would it even make me happy?
I don't know what next year holds, and that's what scares me... not having some place to live, and unsure of what I will do to occupy my time. I've been dying to strike out and make real changes in my life. What do I really need to be happy? What makes me who I am... my brightest, my best, my most beautiful? How do I become me?
I want to be successful, independent, confident, loved, loving, caring, knowledgeable, educated, intelligent, respected and respected...Cherished.
I know now that I'm going to have to break away from my family sooner than later. I feel like they're weighing me down with their dramas that reach back from before my existence. I just can't be apart of that any longer. I can no longer play the role of being in the middle of everyone, pulled and tugged, told what to do and what to say. What is right and what isn't. What's expected of me, where my own opinions don't count as much as they should. Where I'm told that I'm too young, inexperienced and naive all the time. I often wonder when I'll be old enough.
I had a dream the other night where I was an infant, and could see everything from an infant's point of view. And I was being held in the arms of my parents. They took me to the doctor, and apparently something was wrong with me. The doctor was saying that my brain wasn't making the right connections. So the doctor told them that I would never be normal, that I would never be able to do things for myself. I knew that they were believing everything he was saying. And I remember feeling this sense of dread, because I knew I was fine, and that it wasn't true, but everyone was going to treat me like an invalid. I was so terrified that I forced myself to wake up from the dream. I spoke to Daniel about this, and obviously my waking sentiments are bleeding into my dreams.
This is a time of great personal change. You become tired of your role in life, and you are very sensitive to habits, customs, and social requirements that hide the 'real you'. You feel as though you have been drifting along with the tide and following the crowd for too long, and your inner needs and motivations must assert themselves more strongly. You may change your manner of dress, your hair style, and your mannerisms. Even if you do not consciously change any of these personality traits, they are likely to change now anyway. You drop any superficialities and pretenses and become a more sincere, intense person. This process is a difficult one, and many self-doubts and fears arise now. However, you also have a compulsive need to assert yourself. In fact, you can be ruthless with others at times, and you may stubbornly take actions without regard or concern for others. You can be oblivious to the way you affect others because you are driven by unconscious, instinctive, sometimes compulsive drives rather than by logic and reason. In short, this is a time of deepening self-awareness and growing self-assertion, but be careful not to be so engrossed in yourself that you are oblivious to the effect you have on others.
Now the resentment and jealousy and anger that plagues me when I see others turn down their responsibilities, and say no to obligations and do what they wanted to do. What their heart told them to do. Now they receive all the attention, praise and glory that I always wanted. They have the sense of sisterhood and family that I always longed for. I don't know how to reconcile with these feelings. Should I just say " fuck it" and go through with it... would it even make me happy?
I don't know what next year holds, and that's what scares me... not having some place to live, and unsure of what I will do to occupy my time. I've been dying to strike out and make real changes in my life. What do I really need to be happy? What makes me who I am... my brightest, my best, my most beautiful? How do I become me?
I want to be successful, independent, confident, loved, loving, caring, knowledgeable, educated, intelligent, respected and respected...Cherished.
I know now that I'm going to have to break away from my family sooner than later. I feel like they're weighing me down with their dramas that reach back from before my existence. I just can't be apart of that any longer. I can no longer play the role of being in the middle of everyone, pulled and tugged, told what to do and what to say. What is right and what isn't. What's expected of me, where my own opinions don't count as much as they should. Where I'm told that I'm too young, inexperienced and naive all the time. I often wonder when I'll be old enough.
I had a dream the other night where I was an infant, and could see everything from an infant's point of view. And I was being held in the arms of my parents. They took me to the doctor, and apparently something was wrong with me. The doctor was saying that my brain wasn't making the right connections. So the doctor told them that I would never be normal, that I would never be able to do things for myself. I knew that they were believing everything he was saying. And I remember feeling this sense of dread, because I knew I was fine, and that it wasn't true, but everyone was going to treat me like an invalid. I was so terrified that I forced myself to wake up from the dream. I spoke to Daniel about this, and obviously my waking sentiments are bleeding into my dreams.
This is a time of great personal change. You become tired of your role in life, and you are very sensitive to habits, customs, and social requirements that hide the 'real you'. You feel as though you have been drifting along with the tide and following the crowd for too long, and your inner needs and motivations must assert themselves more strongly. You may change your manner of dress, your hair style, and your mannerisms. Even if you do not consciously change any of these personality traits, they are likely to change now anyway. You drop any superficialities and pretenses and become a more sincere, intense person. This process is a difficult one, and many self-doubts and fears arise now. However, you also have a compulsive need to assert yourself. In fact, you can be ruthless with others at times, and you may stubbornly take actions without regard or concern for others. You can be oblivious to the way you affect others because you are driven by unconscious, instinctive, sometimes compulsive drives rather than by logic and reason. In short, this is a time of deepening self-awareness and growing self-assertion, but be careful not to be so engrossed in yourself that you are oblivious to the effect you have on others.
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