Something has to give.

As of late I feel like I'm under siege by human cruelty. Cruelty and thoughtlessness from the people I know are supposed to be there for me. And it hurts, it hurts enough for me to erupt into tears after another cold emotionless conversation with my father, who probably feels like he's the family ATM, and gets nothing back in return. However it's hard to give him emotional contact, when he often times demands it, or other times seems completely unreceptive to it. I tell him about my apartment and the payment that needs to be made on it, and then about summer classes, and I get a snappy
" Well I need to talk to your mother, cuz she needs to make some payments too"

He knows well that she can't make payments for my education. Even with the generous financial aid package I get, she still can't pay anything. I feel like I don't need to hear these things. I don't want to be in the center of the drama that the two of them pretend doesn't exist. I feel like I've been a part of it for too long, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for needing help from the people who are supposed to be able to give it to me. I don't care who does it, or how they do it. I will forever be grateful for it, but it's not fair to me. I'm just trying to get through school, why should I feel bad because my parents don't know how to communicate in a healthy manner?

If I could, I'd put myself through college, and never ask either of them for a dime, and live completely independent from both of them, since they manage to make everyone around them feel like shit, and guilty for things they have no control over. I don't want to be seen as the inconsiderate daughter, I feel like there have plenty of things that I just never bother asked about because I didn't want to hear the inevitable negative responses. I feel like every thing I attempt to do, which I feel should bring some pride and praise from my family always gets a negative response, or a suggestion. I just wish they would be enthusiastic about the decisions I make, and not always undercut it with what they think would be better for me.

And then there's Daniel. I'm sad that I can't run to him for comfort like I usually would because even he has been somewhat thoughtless. After taking a night away from talking to each other, I call him late last night to say hello and to tell him that I missed him.. especially after not talking to him in the last 24 hours. It's become a pleasant and comfortable routine to talk to each other every night. And he tells me that it was a little unpleasant not to talk to me as usual, which was nice to hear. But then he went and ruined everything by saying that it made him realize that I'm his social life, and that he feels like that's a bad thing, and that he should have other people that he can talk to as much as me.
I was hurt, because it's like, why find an issue with such a nice thing. I don't even have friends that I talk to for 2-3 hours at a time anymore. I'm not sure if many people at our age do anymore. The focus has shifted from those types of bonds, to more intimate bonds with significant others. I don't know if in doing that, in trying to become more independent from me, and our communication style, if that will somehow ruin what we have. I don't want to feel like I'm so how emasculating him by being his confidant. Or make him feel awkward for not being a social butterfly with tons of friends. I don't have tons of friends either, and the people I talk to on regular basis are within a small handful. He's the one who feels like people will think of him negatively if he calls out of the blue. How else can one sustain a relationship, if they don't take chances and believe in the goodness of other human beings, and in their own value as a friend.

It's times like these that I often wonder if we can last long, or if it would be better if we just separated. I wonder how much my life would change for the better or for the worst. Cuz sometimes the amount of pain doesn't quite cut it when weighed against the happiness. And maybe this is just the distance and need to be close to him talking... cuz I was missing him so much before that phone call, and I still miss him today... but something has to give.