Oh Pluto, your wrath is beyond compare

I don't want to live my life with regrets. I don't want to pass up my opportunities because I'm afraid of what people will think. Why didn't I just say no when I had the chance, and do only the things that I wanted to. Why did I feel so obligated, and stayed with something even if it made me completely miserable?

Now the resentment and jealousy and anger that plagues me when I see others turn down their responsibilities, and say no to obligations and do what they wanted to do. What their heart told them to do. Now they receive all the attention, praise and glory that I always wanted. They have the sense of sisterhood and family that I always longed for. I don't know how to reconcile with these feelings. Should I just say " fuck it" and go through with it... would it even make me happy?

I don't know what next year holds, and that's what scares me... not having some place to live, and unsure of what I will do to occupy my time. I've been dying to strike out and make real changes in my life. What do I really need to be happy? What makes me who I am... my brightest, my best, my most beautiful? How do I become me?

I want to be successful, independent, confident, loved, loving, caring, knowledgeable, educated, intelligent, respected and respected...Cherished.

I know now that I'm going to have to break away from my family sooner than later. I feel like they're weighing me down with their dramas that reach back from before my existence. I just can't be apart of that any longer. I can no longer play the role of being in the middle of everyone, pulled and tugged, told what to do and what to say. What is right and what isn't. What's expected of me, where my own opinions don't count as much as they should. Where I'm told that I'm too young, inexperienced and naive all the time. I often wonder when I'll be old enough.

I had a dream the other night where I was an infant, and could see everything from an infant's point of view. And I was being held in the arms of my parents. They took me to the doctor, and apparently something was wrong with me. The doctor was saying that my brain wasn't making the right connections. So the doctor told them that I would never be normal, that I would never be able to do things for myself. I knew that they were believing everything he was saying. And I remember feeling this sense of dread, because I knew I was fine, and that it wasn't true, but everyone was going to treat me like an invalid. I was so terrified that I forced myself to wake up from the dream. I spoke to Daniel about this, and obviously my waking sentiments are bleeding into my dreams.

This is a time of great personal change. You become tired of your role in life, and you are very sensitive to habits, customs, and social requirements that hide the 'real you'. You feel as though you have been drifting along with the tide and following the crowd for too long, and your inner needs and motivations must assert themselves more strongly. You may change your manner of dress, your hair style, and your mannerisms. Even if you do not consciously change any of these personality traits, they are likely to change now anyway. You drop any superficialities and pretenses and become a more sincere, intense person. This process is a difficult one, and many self-doubts and fears arise now. However, you also have a compulsive need to assert yourself. In fact, you can be ruthless with others at times, and you may stubbornly take actions without regard or concern for others. You can be oblivious to the way you affect others because you are driven by unconscious, instinctive, sometimes compulsive drives rather than by logic and reason. In short, this is a time of deepening self-awareness and growing self-assertion, but be careful not to be so engrossed in yourself that you are oblivious to the effect you have on others.