Nothing worse than apathy

I've found myself in a state of pure apathy. And it concerns me. Like today at work. I was tired and beginning to feel the miserable effects of a panic attack take over. All I wanted to do was go home, especially with my throat swollen and uncomfortable. I slammed a sliding door and heard something jiggle dangerously from inside. I felt too tired and annoyed to care... and hoped that whatever it was would stay put.

As it turns out, that same jiggling was a heavy glass china bowl that fell on the arm of another co-worker and smashed into pieces. I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt or remorse. I know it was my fault. I know that bowl should have fell on me... but I still didn't care. The girl was pretty shaken up, her hand shaking for minutes afterward, and she's sure to have a terrible bruise tomorrow.

I kept asking myself why I didn't care, why I didn't feel guilty, asking myself why I didn't try to fix the bowl before someone got hurt? The truth is that I don't know. I don't feel any different from before, but it scares me that I'm so apathetic. I feel like I should feel like a terrible person.. but I don't. I kept waiting for an angelic message to come to me to say just how wrong how I was, and that God was angry. Nothing came, except a voice that sometimes good people do bad things, it makes them flawed and human, and that's enough to contend with without feeling guilt on top of it.

I'm not particularly proud of myself. And I don't want to walk around feeling like half a person, with half a soul, not caring about anything. So I hope this passes, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to take away from this will be learned.