Recap

I just realized how much I missed my camera even though it's right next to me. Like everything that I'm initially passionate about, I go crazy with it for a while when it's brand new, and then slowly but surely I lose my passion for it. Taking photos was like a release for me. To be able to capture moments in time and save them for the world to see. I recently lost a whole set of wonderful pictures I took over break, and I think it broke my faith. I was devastated that such a wonderful period of my life was lost, and couldn't be catalogued. I think I may try to take a photography class next semester, just for fun. Maybe it will recharge my passion once more. Hopefully I'll gain some skill and creativity once more. I just hope that I don't become resentful of a class if I take it. I don't even want to get into how many classes I should be taking this coming summer, just to avoid the stress of too many credits in my senior year.

Other than that, I currently battling a sore throat and general congestion.. and it looks like I'm actually winning. I spent a good portion of the day with Jackie watching The L Word all day, before I went out to Raices. I think I'm very satisfied with the fact that I'm only in one dance. I know I'm on my way out of the troupe, and I don't think I could be happier. Mahalia admitted to me that she was judging me when I said that I was not going to be a part of the troupe anymore. But now she understands, and after my explaining how unhappy I've been as president and how I never wanted to position to begin with, she apologized and said that she now felt the same. I no longer feel like I'm needed, nor do I feel like I need the troupe to keep me happy. I have had 2 full years with it, made a few good friends, learned to deal with others that I didn't get along with, got to be on stage and perform, as well as learned to appreciate my culture through others.

Daniel and I are good again. He came down to help find us through the mess that had been created the night before. At first sitting on the couch together looking at one another, trying to sort through our feelings and how to make it better, was pure agony. I didn't want him to touch me, and I was afraid that we were going to be ruined because of it. But we pushed through anyway... I can't really say that we really solved anything, but I think we made peace ultimately. He was put in his place by my anger over the phone. While I didn't have to yell and scream, my tone made it evident that I was upset and hurt over the situation. In the end we ended our silence by wrestling, which is something we tend to do. It was a good release to romp around and generally beat each other up a little bit. He stayed past his one day, all the way through Wednesday. It was mostly a good break from the distance, its always nice waking up next to him.

There was a double edged sword in the mix, my panic attacks hit me several times rather intensely. We began to realize that they usually occur when I'm trying to hide my usually hurt feelings or intense emotions. Whatever I try to suppress comes out in uncontrollably strong body spasms. It was intense, and Valentine's day night was particularly stressful when he said that he couldn't do this relationship if this couldn't be helped. Watching me spasm, and lose control of my body was agony for him. That alone made me cry, since I don't want to lose him, and I told him that through tears and spasms. I woke up alone to find that he had moved into the next bedroom, and had written in our journal. We achieved a lot that morning when I lied next to him and told him how I felt about many things, Including the fact that I was growing in love with him. There's nothing better than knowing that it's mutual.

I woke up missing him this morning.