Sinking into nothingness

What to say, what to say?

I think Daniel and I have come broken new ground in our relationship, but not without unnecessary pain and aggravation.

I hate reporting things in my journal like it's news. It doesn't seem to help me, or make me feel any better. I have no audience here, I'm not asking for anyone's opinion, or for anyone to side with me. I just know that my reaction to not hearing from him all day made me realize that I am not delusional about how I feel about him. I can no longer brush off my feelings and call them silly or ridiculous because I believe there's a set time line on how to love someone. I didn't and still don't want to admit to myself or him that I love him. It's a miracle that I can even type that out without wanting to delete it.

In loving someone else the vulnerability, that new whole in my armor is frightening. It may not be returned, it may fade, it may turn into hate or apathy. All things that I do not wish to experience. The emotional investment that will continue to grow... more than what it is right now is crazy. Based on passed experiences, my worst fear is being burned. That one day all of this will be over because it was never real to begin with. That it wasn't strong enough to maintain the current fantasy. I don't want to believe that I'm confusing love for something that it is not, that I'm currently experiencing nothing like love. I wish there was a checklist that I could go through to make sure that I was right and wasn't making things up.

But as I relive the experience of wondering if he was okay or not, the tears well up again. I don't know how long the time frame was, but I know how quickly the fear in my body started to consume me. I began to think about all the horrible scenarios that could have happened.

Maybe after he went out the night before something had happened. Maybe he was mugged or beaten, severely hurt.

Maybe someone had broken into his apartment and stole his stuff while he was there, and maybe they had hurt him. And knowing how seemingly invincible he thinks himself to be... he didn't back down and the violence escalated.

Maybe he was in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator or worse in a morgue.

And my tears are flowing the same if not heavier than they were last night. I called Monique, I was moments away from calling his parents. I was on-line thinking of ways to find him in Providence. Looking up his street, trying to find another phone number. Wishing I had his roommate's number, or Kat's number. Thinking of what I could possibly tell the police in Providence.

"Could you go to this house and check up on this person for me?"

Usually I hate calling more than twice within the hour in fear of looking desperate or crazed. But I didn't care, I rang his phone repeatedly, not caring what it looked like. All the while pleading

" Daniel, please just pick up your phone, let me know that you're okay. Please."

I knew what it must be like to be a mother who hasn't heard from their child and every evil in the world had made itself known.

And now as we speak, I don't know what has been broken between us, and neither does he. We don't know where to go from here to make things better. I don't know what the issue is anymore. What the real problem is. Neither of us know if it would help if he came out for a day to try to make things right... I don't know if a day would be enough.