I miss myself.

My eyes hurt from being tired, but I feel like I accomplished a little something tonight. I finished a book for class, and printed out the notes for another class. I still can't push myself to study for my exams coming up for next week. Nor can I get myself into the mode of researching for the huge paper I have coming up.

I can't tell if this exhaustion is from actual tiredness, or from an incoming panic attack. I was thinking about doing a body scan, but right now I don't think it'll be very helpful. I'm not sure what would help me anymore. I've been having fleeting happy memories from when I was younger that makes me miss my family. I don't know how I feel about my past any more. It wasn't perfect, but the happier memories always stick out the most. Sometimes I wonder if I've blocked out much of the pain that I used to feel about my family. All the fights and arguments. The tears and long nights. Memories of me in the tub opening and closing the faucet because I thought I could hear my parents yelling. Always feeling like a fight was seconds away. The heavy feeling in my stomach and the tears burning in my eyes when I knew that one was just getting started.

Me hoping that it would pass over quickly, or that it wouldn't be a big one. I think I learned how to read people's energy from living under such a volatile roof. I think I was a lot quieter because of it. I think I knew the feeling of fear as it crept up my spine when I knew a new fight was on the menu for the night.

I still wonder who I'm turning into, especially this year. I don't feel as confident as I have in the past. I wonder if I'm beautiful. I look at my friends from childhood, and wonder if I can be considered one of the beautiful ones. Shallow I guess, but I think I've always wanted to be thought of as beautiful in my own unique way. Now I feel very small and lost, wondering how I'm going to make it on my own. Nothing seems to be going right. I wonder if I'm secretly slipping into a depression. I don't know if I've ever been seriously depressed before. But I guess I'll know for sure after my first counseling session, which I'm looking forward to. If anything, I'll find some peace somewhere.