The future beckons you on...

So today was a good day, though I was relatively tried due to lack of sleep. I walked into downtown with Jackie so that we could enjoy a nice lunch together, only to find that the restaurant we were looking forward to was closed down for good. Highly unfortunate considering that it's one of the few accessible ethnic eateries in the area. It's moments like those that make me long for home, where everything is a train, a bus or a walk away.

So we continued to walk around for a little while until we came upon a place that looked good. I'd say that today was amazing for the simple fact that Jackie and I found our idols in 5 beautiful black women who were also in the restaurant with us. We were completely awestruck by these women and their presence. They were all confident and mature looking, 4 out of the 5 wearing their hair naturally in locs or twists. They all talked amongst themselves with an air of success and assuredness. We were tempted to walk up to their table and ask them their secrets to their success. What schools did they go to?, did they continue onto grad school?, what were their majors?... Where did they work?, where did they live? What should we do to become the next generation of beautiful, secure, confident and successful women of color?

Unfortunately we didn't, but our conversations were filled with hopes for our own futures, and worries about what to do to get there. While I believed I was absolutely certain about my path, I'm now considering other options and wondering what would make me the happiest and most secure. I wonder if I could be a good professor, or a healer... or maybe both. I want to make an impact, make a difference, be apart of a beautiful struggle.

While speaking to Daniel today I realized how much I wanted to express and challenge myself. I want to surround myself with people who have the same rhythmic pulse of life that I do. And while I felt that I was doing a horrible job of doing that, I found that I wasn't doing as badly as I thought. It takes time to shed the skin you no longer deem necessary to your everyday life. I want to embrace my newfound joy for being a educated female of color. I want to embrace the people who think similarly to me. However not at the expense of those who I've come to care for deeply. More specifically, Daniel.

I don't ever want to believe that by exploring and embracing black culture, that the things I find whatever they may be, will some how alienate him or put pressure on our relationship. He is by far one of the most beautiful and meaningful people in my life and to disrespect or denigrate him or our connection because of color, class, race or politics would be unacceptable from me. I will not succumb to any pressure that says that I should date someone of my own color in order to be accepted. Though I doubt it would happen, I'm telling myself from now to keep in mind who and what is important in my life and to never lose sight of that regardless of how much growth comes to pass.

I'm afraid to formulate the word that would even start to express how I feel for him.